Newsletter #45, by Surendra Pisavadia (6 May 2013)

Samarpan Online Group Meditation Newsletter

TOPIC FOR THE WEEK – Energies work in strange ways…

Jai Baba Swami

Hi Everyone

I joined Samarpan during Swamiji’s first visit to UK in November 2000. It was an eight day shibir at the residence of the family who had sponsored Swamiji. I continued to be a silent sadhak until 2002 when I attended the first weekend retreat in Pen Rhiw, St David’s.

I have always been a quiet and shy person (yes that’s true) but was more so than and I actually lived in fear. In fact during the very early years although I attended many workshops at Pen Rhiw, casting my mind back, I always chose to sit at the back in fear in case I had to leave the room. Since 1993 I had suffered from panic attacks. Panic attacks I later learned can be different forms, mine was feeling claustrophobic where there was a crowd A fear had set in soon after I was caught up in a riot in Nairobi. I never liked crowds. This despite previously enjoying a normal life and having worked in various projects at work, attending meetings, delivering presentations etc.,

I used to walk out of meetings, presentations, from shops and even from concerts. So when attending the retreats at Pen Rhiw as mentioned earlier, I had no choice but to sit set at the back in fear that I may suddenly have to leave the room. Even attending weddings made me nervous. I felt trapped. However sometimes I had to go through the pain, deep down it was living hell which sometimes I had used to hide.

During a weekend retreat In October 2002 at Pen Rhiw with Swamiji, Bihagbhai was running a workshop. There were only 23 sadhaks taking part. I was videoing the workshop when Bihagbhai asked to join the workshop, I was happy standing quietly in one corner. As last Wednesday on JCO, all we had to do was to introduce yourself and one another, however fear set in and once again I rushed out of the room in fear and could take no further part. After the retreat Swamiji left for India.

As it was Swamiji ‘s birthday (Chaitanya Mahotsav) in November I decided to attend. The event was at Bhavnagar in India. I was very excited as this was my first retreat in India. As always the celebrations were from 7th November to 9th November. I arrived in Mumbai on 4th November and stayed in Mumbai for a day with Bihagbhai & Naimishaben. Swamiji, Guruma and family were also staying there and arrived later in the day.

The next day we were all travelling to Bhavnagar by plane with few others. It was at Mumbai airport that Swamiji started talking to me and reminded me that I was the only overseas visitor and would I say a few words or share my experience at the event. And boy, did I have the courage to say no. I am sure He must have read my mind. At that time I felt very good that Swamiji had asked me to say something.

As we sat on the plane, suddenly I realised what I had got myself into. Obviously all sorts of thoughts played on my mind. There were at least 1600 registered sadhaks attending this event. Most of us stayed at the same venue, I recall it was a very large building. On arrival I hid in my room and went into a thinking mode as to what can I share, I was new to everything and did not have a clue as to what I can say. However I managed to put some bullet points together.

The event was due to begin the next day but by then I was a nervous rack and at the same time was jet legged but at the same time determined to do a good job. The event was due to start the next day. The day was very long as we had leave the venue at 5 am and did not return until midnight. We were again to be picked up at 5-00 am. I was by now very tired and realised that will not be able to leave that early so mentioned to Bihagbhai that I will make my own way later on. When I walk up and was ready and left the room and entered the corridor, there was total silence and dark as no lights were on, it then dawned on me that there was no body in the building. This was confirmed as I reached the ground floor. The door to the lobby was locked from the other side so I was unable to leave. I explored the whole building to find an exit but this building was like a fortress, there was no way out. I was by now determined to get out to share my thoughts about UK and my experiences with Swamiji . All the fear had disappeared, I had no time to think. There was only one thing left that is to be able to leave this building.

I went back to the ground floor and all the force kicked the lobby door and to my surprise it gave way, hoorah I thought, but no there was still the main door which was bigger and locked too. This door would not give way so I went to the front balcony and shouted for help. A gentleman stopped and offered to call the caretaker who arrived half an hour later to open the front door. However he was not happy as in my attempt to kick the door down I had damaged the locks and the handles. Those who know Jitu Patwari – he was managing the event at the time still keeps reminding me about the this incident and the caretaker being upset with me.

The moment the door was open I ran to get the rickshaw to get to the venue. I arrived there at 8.00am and to my surprise the moment I entered the front door I heard my name being called to come to the stage to share my thoughts/ experience. Energies work in strange ways I was not allowed time to think get back into my nervous / fear mode. I had to walk straight to the stage.

I spoke for more than 10 minutes in Swamiji and Guruma’s presence and to an audience of at least 1500. Remember only few weeks earlier I could not face 23 sadhaks. I spoke in English and Bihagbhai kindly translated in Hindi.

Since then I have covered a number of rolls in UK including becoming Managing Trustees without fear although a slight element is still present

From this time on, with Guru’s grace and after having struggled for 9 years, I was able to continue with my normal life and being involved in a number of roles with Samarpan UK including Managing Trustees role.

JAI BABA SWAMI