Newsletter #43, by Kussum (21 April 2013)

Ever since I remember, I always saw myself falling in this huge “black hole”. Nobody ever pushed me; I was just in there since the beginning.

Despite a normal childhood and being brought up in a happy family, I kept experiencing this huge, infinite, endless dark hole. While other kids would play, I would isolate myself somewhere and try to understand this strange state.

I always wondered why my family was not doing anything, not understanding my situation…

I used to ask: Can’t they see what’s happening? Don’t they love me? I’m shouting, can’t they hear me? Can’t they hear the voice of my helplessness? Why do I need to be in this immense black hole? Why me? I’m scared.

As a result I would spend many sleepless nights asking God to end my life as I couldn’t see the point of living.

I eventually spent most of my life in this hole, never been able to get out of it. I went on with life, got married, became a mother but always carried this group of friends with me: rebellion, depression, frustration and solitude…. They wouldn’t let me alone. I was allowed to enjoy a limited period of time and then was sent back to the hole. There was a period of my life where I was sentenced to stay in it… painful. I lost notion of time since then…

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TOPIC FOR THE WEEK – I’m falling…

Samarpan came in my life like a breath of fresh air; the Meditation helped me to release a lot of anguish. It gave me this space to calm my mind, to connect with this Higher force and led me to a new path. A lovely candle was lit in my heart by SwamiJi and I was able to contemplate what was happening “up there”, how some people were happy and rejoiced that I could share their joy and happiness through my heart. I met some beautiful people; discovered the “Collectivity”, experienced friendship, laughter, harmony and started believing that one day I would be able to be free, that one day I will be able to get out of this hole. Samarpan family kept me going, I was existing through this Collectivity and able to share some beautiful moments.

Strangely the person they saw in me was a happy, strong, crazy lady… in fact I was just playing my role, nobody could ever understand what was happening, that most of the time I wasn’t even there with them, I was in my hole, connected to them only through thin threads of love, friendship and mutual admiration but still falling.

And as we all know, Love needs no invitation… I fell in Love twice in my life. In my case Love was a trouble maker.

I met these “two soldiers” with whom I was able to share everything, even the darkness. Through these two persons I did begin to stop playing my role and be myself. For them I was ready to go up and be like others,

“Live the real life”, and so slowly slowly I saw myself getting out of the hole.

But I guess the 2 stories were too perfect, some strange events happened and unknowingly they both ended up pushing me back to the hole. I was found guilty twice of following my heart and giving into my passions. My best dark friends were very quick to join me and again I could see people enjoying, laughing, joking, and totally unaware of my state…

Had they not noticed that I was falling again? Why didn’t they love me back? Can’t they hear the voice of my helplessness? No one understood my feelings at that point, it was burning inside……

No one knew what burnt where.

We say time heals, well with time I started getting used to this state of falling, this darkness, I learnt to play my role in each situation, I knew that whatever the outcome I would have to go back to the hole. I was now getting close to my dark friends and even started bringing them everywhere I was going. I did ask SwamiJi many times how, why, what, when, who? But never got a reply or perhaps never understood it. I also spent lots of time alone looking for answers in Nature.

One day while contemplating the sky, on top of a mountain, I felt a strong urge to sit and meditate. Nature was present in all its splendour, I could feel the energy of the cold stone below me, the warm sun on my shoulders, the cool breeze gently brushing my face; the serene ocean waves whispering in my ears. Nature was simply carrying me in a different world… and again… I went back to the dark, I could see myself in this crazy fall but everything was happening in slow motion this time. Strange feeling…!

Suddenly I felt His presence. He came, the Master came. He was with me, falling with me.

A beautiful cool light was surrounding us; his eyes were beautiful, full of Truth. His smile was soothing; he was like an innocent child. It was amazing to be with Him.

I was over the moon but still couldn’t figure out why, why would he join me in this dark place, why would he join me in this fall, what kind of joke was this? I thought how surprising, instead of helping me to get back up there, he’s joining me?!

“Surrender” he said. This word resonated deep inside me. So I started surrendering everything, my fear, my pain, my passions, my questions, my past, my future… Everything…

Since SwamiJi was with me, the questions and fear eventually disappeared. At that point I was starting to enjoy myself, I was for the first time in my element, my dark friends had all left me, I felt free, surrendered, detached from everybody, free from expectations, no time, no space… And I was with Him, He knew everything,

He understood me and I was receiving the best Love ever.

Suddenly he pointed something downwards… It was quick but what I could see was some light… Some light???!!!

Is there an exit? I asked. I looked at him and we both shared this beautiful moment of complicity, exchange of smile, and sparks in the eye. WOW…

Is this another route to the Destination?

He smiled again at me and this time left.

I was excited; I couldn’t stop thinking that if there was light, there was an exit. Maybe at the end of this hole,

I would also reach Moksha?! While others were using the main roads, maybe I was taking another route?

Or perhaps this dark place was inside me (the “me” inside?) Lots of crazy ideas came to my mind…

SwamiJi had left me but I was now happy, I knew. He had showed me the Light.

Yes the journey was dark, scary, painful, seemed endless but at least I knew there was Light at the end. I was now willing to take this route, I was ready to experience anything and some new friends even came to join me: surrender, confidence, contentment, inner peace…

I also realised that the love I felt was dependent on people, it was all about wanting, needing and expecting.

True Love is a state of being, detached from emotions and expectations. We are Love and Love is all.

And it’s not so much about the feelings and the emotions; these are all perceptions of the mind… What is more important for me is the journey itself, the experience… How long is going to take this journey, I don’t know… I’m still a bit intrigued of what I might have to face again and my ego still feels “it’s a tough one” but all I know is that I am in the right direction and I am being looked after. I am going to be alright, I just need to be strong and stay surrendered. Meditation keeps me happy and I am happy meditating, nothing else.

For people who might have experienced that dark hole in their life, even for a short period of time, please know this: it is a shortcut to Eternity…

Asato Ma Sad Gamaya

Tamasoma jyotir gamaya

Mrityor ma amritam gamaya

Om shanti shanti shanti

Lead me from the unreal to the real

Lead me from the darkness to the light

Lead me from death to immortality

Let there be peace peace and peacefulness

Love and Light

Kussum

If anything to say, it’s…